little pea

un petit pois.
on its way
in mid-may.

m.i.a. feels good

being gone for a while
is a good thing.

feeling blessed.

created on june 11

"lately"

you gain some you lose some

that's how i've been feeling

been present at events where i learn about issues i care about

been absent at home where i don't know what my love is thinking

or what my daughter is fearing

been lining myself up to expand my professional network in

communities of color, by attending workshops, trainings, and

committees to reflect, dialogue, strategically plan actions for

change.

been absent to see my daughter wake up in the morning,

see her eat, see her laugh, see her learn, see her teach me

about the things she wonders about

been oblivious to the conversations that love instigates

to show concerns, care, and steps to move forward

been thinking about the efforts i put forth to show love,

comments that i say that hurt more than make a point,

actions i do that speak what i don't say and

are not connected to the intentions in my heart.

uncertain about my courage most times,

as fear overwhelms my thoughts at night

at day, at work, at home

all stirring my heart towards a deeper purpose,

that still scares me.

all reminding me of truths and lies

community

family

self

which one comes first?

32 years and 1 week old.

spent my birth day at home.
painting, giggling, cooking, baking, relaxing, reflecting.. and chatting with my daughter.

this past year reminded me how fragile life is.

this coming year, i will:
*make people i love and care about - my priority. other "things" can wait.
*hit reset - and start at setting goals that align with the dreams in my heart.
*be nicer to my body and my soul.
*have more fun.

i just realized that i am 32 just once in my life.
live in all of it.

full weekends

since the last post: a funeral, a concert, a wedding.

funeral for an uncle - tong seng yang. 4 days long. full house at legacy. nyab duties: food prep, cook, set up, serve, repeat.

concert in chicago - lilith fair 2010. 7 women. road trip madness. inside jokes & memories. moved to tears by mary j blige's energy & lyrics, then felt life came full circle when sarah mclachlan sang "sweet surrender".. my year's top life-shifting moment,thus far.

wedding - my youngest sister is getting married to her high school sweetheart. my parents dealing with an "empty nest". celebrating with a feast this weekend & pouring all my love in this one.

life at full speed. helmet on.

moving

life just keeps on moving
things are a-changing
trying to grasp a little of what i can
while i can

speak for my heart

We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey. ~Kenji Miyazawa

Memory is a way of holding onto the things you love, the things you are, the things you never want to lose. ~From the television show The Wonder Years

If you're going through hell, keep going. ~Winston Churchill

We acquire the strength we have overcome. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Courage is being afraid but going on anyhow. ~Dan Rather

You can clutch the past so tightly to your chest that it leaves your arms too full to embrace the present. ~Jan Glidewell

There are things that we don't want to happen but have to accept, things we don't want to know but have to learn, and people we can't live without but have to let go. ~Author Unknown

Although the world is full of suffering, it is also full of the overcoming of it.-- Helen Keller

Eventually you will come to understand that love heals everything, and love is all there is.-- Gary Zukav

Forgiving does not erase the bitter past. A healed memory is not a deleted memory. Instead, forgiving what we cannot forget creates a new way to remember. We change the memory of our past into a hope for our future.-- Lewis B. Smedes

Our sorrows and wounds are healed only when we touch them with compassion.-- Buddha

The soul is healed by being with children.-- Fyodor Dostoyevsky

Amen.

june 24th

when this presentation and class that i've been intensely working on will end.

when my summer will finally start.
when i'll be able to focus more on my house,
my yard, my sleep,
my nainai.

when i'll be able to start enjoying life
a little more.

yeepie.

a little distressed

been thinking about control.

how much control
or little control
i have on my life,
or the next curve
that takes me for a spin.

control
the urge to keep it
still in my hands

ymt

talked with ymt the other day.

nothing like family love & support.
the unexpected gifts that life brings.
the miracles that enter our lives
to shift the way we carry ourselves,
listen to ourselves and each other,
love one another, realize the hole that
would be without each other, the
beauty that is the core of our love,
of our lives, and our dreams/hopes.

believe.
trust.
life will teach all there is to learn.

love you sis.

life at light speed

living life at the speed of light.

that's what it feels like.
a constant rush of excitement,
chased by squeaking urgent anxiety.

Not the greatest combination.

what i ask for is aligning in my path..
and i know it'd be foolish to ignore.

so help me. remind me.

to breathe, to be grateful.
to live all i can
before life ends on its own terms.

DC

Leaving for DC on June 1st for NCORE (National Conference on Race & Ethnicity) with 4 students & a colleague. Looking forward to the week-long conference, dialogues, reflections - and DC sights, foods, company, and memories.

Last time I was in DC was in 9th grade for a weeklong program for youths who were "New" Americans - learned about the government, making and passing a bill, shook hands with President Clinton, and debated with MN House Rep (at the time) about why we couldn't use the money for the infamous ice castles towards resources and shelters for the homeless. I remember not getting sick because the program staff made sure we had a gallon of water & cups in every room - and made sure that we were constantly hydrated. Very empowering experience, for a 14 year old.

DC in the horizon.

my happy place

my happy place = the farmer's market

weekend morning routine
in spring and summer

excitement & joy
at the vision of
fresh fruits
and vegetables
roasted corn with butter
loaded brats - with slices of green, yellow, red peppers
fresh squeezed lemonade and limeade

traffic jam by feet
surround sounds and chatters
adding to the chaos

plants, flowers, herbs
handmade soaps, utensils,
jewelry, clothes, creations
and treats
adding to the calm peace

a happy peace that is all mine

breathe

lately i've forgotten
often

to breathe

stress of work and school,
and millions of deadlines,
events, papers, letters,
applications
to read, to meet, to revise,
to attend, to speak at.

and breathe.

Waking up before the sun
Resting after the sun

and breathe.

Coffee, coffee,
bagel,
Coffee, coffee,
meal on the go
Coffee, coffee,

and breathe.

Can't wait til mid-June
when school's out
work slows down

to breathe
the sun, green grass,
blue sky, my garden,
walks around the lake..

(sigh)

life w/o cable

since adopting the iphone,
we've had to let go of our cable.

no more hgtv creations
or travel destinations

i miss most my monday night
anthony bourdain marathon
his witty remarks
but truthful reflections
about the connection of
life, food, humanity.

but all is not lost,
tpt (public television) is helping with the
cooking itch on saturday
mornings, and my nainai
is quite content with her
options of curious georce,
super why, martha speaks,
sesame street, and sid the science
kid.

the iphone's not too bad
either. :-)

try

i dare you

try
juggling work, school, family, friends,
your feelings, your thoughts, your fears,
your hopes, your dreams,
and everyone's 2 cents
about who you are, what you look like,
what you think, what you feel, what and who
you should be, and always who still is better than
you.

try
understanding the physical, mental, emotional,
psychological pain, drain, slain that comes with being
a woman in this world, then

try
feeling the anger, disbelief, disappointment, disrespect,
that feeds the fire
that burns
the silent indifference, hate, injustice, oppression, depression,
that must change.

try
speaking, shouting, stating, standing, challenging,
being, leading, feeling, seeing, acknowledging,
empowering, supporting, dreaming, validating,
wishing, acting, educating, connecting, believing
in the possibilities
of justice
peace
love
hope
and truth.

i dare you,
to not give up.

an open letter to broken hearts

remember to breathe.

remember that we love you.

remember to love yourself.

i know that you're going through a hard time right now.

it's probably draining you emotionally, physically, and mentally..

but what will get you through this whole ordeal is..

yourself.

i can promise you that no matter what we say.. things in your life will never change until

you decide it.

i can tell you that during my darkest moments -- i had to believe and trust that

my life would be better.. that my heart would love again.. that i would smile, and eat,

and sleep again. the hard part is believing it - hope is what will get you through this.

it always suprises me when the universe turns around

and works hard at lining up the stars for me.

that's when things start to make sense..

when i realize that your life is truly in your hands.

you've got to trust yourself. and your life.

and know that your life still has many days, weeks, months, and years to live.

this is one "piece" .. one "story" .. of your life.. it does not define your life. you.

or him.

life happens the way it does - because it's trying to tell you something important.

sometimes, life shifts drastically because it needs you to realize that you've got to love yourself

first.

we never know what the future brings.. but i believe that if you do things right - the first time around - your life will rightly come. trust & believe.

.. do something nice for yourself today. take a walk. eat a piece of chocolate.

or cake. :-).. smile.. do something you wished you could have done - but haven't done.

here's a quote that gets me through hard times - i hope it'll speak to you too.

"life does not put things in front of you that you are unable to handle"

"the bird doesn't sing because it has an answer - it sings because it has a song."

.. believe. have courage.

spring pleasure

asparagus with charcoal grilled marks,
and caramelized onion strips
enveloped in baby leafs -
a spring mix
with light asian dressing of ginger
and sesame, toppled with
cherry tomatoes,
slices of fuji apples
and grilled chicken breast.

perfect spring day feast
sided with a tall glass of iced
water with a lemon ring.

cool breeze to air the warmth
of the sunrays
green grass pleasing the eyes
to soulfood of life.

sigh.

surroundings

lately, every corner has nestled an inspiration.

from the people i met and learned from at last week's maasu conference in ohio, to the daily remarks my 3 year old creates with new words and songs she hears, to the artists of the world who continue to nurture core beauty and truth, or the heart-filled projects that phillips scholars create and implement through the years, or the quotes from courageous justice seekers and fighters throughout history, the women who survived abuse to tell of its ugliness and their will to live despite of it, and when a quiet moment of rest allows, my heart is at peace listening to the sound of happy birds and dancing leaves, as the sunny rays warm the grass under my feet.

joy of life.

autumn and its concerto

(sigh)

yes, i am one of those asian dramas fans - but do not call me crazy or laugh at me until you experience a full asian drama series yourself.

my journey innocently started with the "meteor garden" series several years ago and my admiration for f4 as well as meteor garden (a story of friendship, love, sacrifices, and courage all wrapped up in 30+ episodes) inspired me to look more into this new discovery.

i was actually surprised at how much i was learning about relationships throughout the meteor garden series, about the sacrifices you make when you love someone - many aha moments & powerful revelations about my own definition of love and the relationships in my life. it was bizarre to gain so many insights that were candid and real, from a drama series. trust me - i never intended for this journey to take off the way it did.

through the years, my loyalty to my favorite f4 member, vic zhou, led to the following series:

*mars
*silence
*wish to see you again
*black and white

but honestly, nothing ever measured up to meteor garden.

until the recent infamous drama series starring vanness wu (another f4 member) - "autumn's concerto" - this drama reset the bar for asian drama series as we know it. its ratings grew past predictions every week; the fans became international; and the stars went from being almost unknown (and under-appreciated) to top-requested red-carpet star status overnight.

autumn's concerto (or AC to its fans) is a brilliant drama with a beautifully written script, amazing & heartfelt storyline, a powerful cast of talented actors/actresses - the soundtrack just adds on to this emotional masterpiece. i think vanness has became my new favorite f4 - his acting was superb!


autumn's concerto revived my love for dramas and i am having a hard time with the withdrawal now that the series ended. so if you find another drama that is filled with lessons for the heart, please let me know. :)

a haiku gift

a text from love:

look out see green grass
the earth turns around again
earth's answer to life

le moulin

listening to: le moulin by yann tiersen

soul music

remisnicing of

morning sunwalks

to the patisserie van,

sipping on hot cocoa in a bowl,

warm croissants,

homemade crepes,

filled with jam,

and nutella.

reminiscing of

sibling fights,

dog chases,

sandcovered traps,

ghost stories

and dreams,

dark basement cages,

tennis balls in the

cemetery,

the lighted cabin

in the woods,

grandpa's swing,

and sunday meals

as the sun dived down

to the horizon.

sublime peace

memories of

waiting for dad,

after work in the park,

hills filled with treasures,

and imagination.

visiting our vegetable garden in the

middle of downtown,

a riverstream swam through it.

forbidden walks by the railroads,

by a field of coquelicots,

finding dead snakes

and fresh raspberries.

saturday morning market,

roasted chicken for lunch,

summer soccer tournaments,

evening parties in the audiorium,

kids running,

my father hosting.

safe haven

trusting neighbors with children

distributing cilantro and green onions

around the neighborhood

talking to friends

in the evening air

on balconies

kicking soccerballs with the boys

while the girls played barbie

watching bruce lee films

on reruns during weekends

dancing to music

in our tiny living room

singing our talents

to deserving guests like

grandpa santa

watching my father

leave for work every

morning at 6:00

before the sun rose,

only to see him at night

too exhausted to play,

but always ready to help

with homework

a world away

weekend drives to bourges,

singing "un kilometre a l'heure,

ca use, ca use,

un kilometre a l'heure

ca use les souliers."

visiting grandma, grandpa,

uncles, aunts, and cousins

clipping my grandma's toes

sweeping their kitchen floors,

memorizing french songs and

poetry

playing with friends

in the woodhouse

when days were too short

wishing we were older

to drive, to cook, to travel,

to do what we wanted to do

oblivious of the growing pains

roots

in margaret benefiel's words: "deep roots anchor strong trees"

it reminds me of a resurfacing dream that continue to guide the direction of my life:

"i am swimming alone, under water, in a warm vast ocean of darkness. i realize that i can breathe like a fish. i start to relax and enjoy the freedom the water gives me. intense feelings of warmth fill my heart. i notice that i am swimming with a lit candle in my hand, which provides just enough lighting to see my body. unsure of the journey ahead, i just keep on swimming. then, i notice a light in the distance. its candle smoke creates a trail and it pulls my body confidently in its direction. as i focus on the light ahead of me, i catch a glimpse, from the corner of my eye, of another distant light, but this one is far behind me, gradually following the path of my candle smoke. suddenly, my heart is filled with warmth again as i realize that i am not alone."

Cup#2

I'm in trouble.... Cup#2.

[sigh]

full cup of coffee = long day ahead

morning conversation with nainai

this morning, nainai woke me up.

she opened the shades:
"look mom - the sun is up! wake up!"

then she peeked outside at the
sun and screamed:
"ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, the sun bite
my eyes!"


... hahahhahahaha...
the funniest thing ever.

soul food

dialogues of inspiration - seeking deeper change & meaning
family time - all of it: chaos, laughs, tears, stress, and love
lazy sundays - pajamas & movies
warm sunny, blue sky days - playing nature's music
puerto rican food - feasting on empanadas, mofongos, pinchos
starting/ending a meal - with a homemade pina colada
laughing at the embarrassing moments - together
planning for more adventures - with each other
baby miracles - their smiles, the twinkles in their eyes, their fearless determination
Love - all that has been, all that is, and all that will ever be.

seeds

seeds of knowledge
seeds of hope
seeds of vision

a vision carved
from the heart of
earth's creation

little
wonders of life
swift up
by the wind's embrace

free-falling

different latitudes
and longitudes
into earth's flesh
birthing roots
nurturing earth's soil
inkling stories into
its river veins

whispering
in the wind
cries filled with
hope
truth
life

childhood lessons

growing up, my mom used to huddle us kids around and say:

"remember to always love each other, to help one another, and to work hard."

i'm just now realizing that this simple message is actually not so simple; it is filled with intent, truth, and love.

adventures with nai

tuesday 3/2

afterwork, i picked up nai at grandma/grandpa's,
then had a car conversation with her about the buildings we
were passing, on our way to the library.

and she said, "mom - boooooring!"
me: "what did you say?"
nai: "booooooooring!"
me: (a little hurt) "why?"
nai: "i already know"
me: "ah..sorry"
nai: "it's okay, mommy"

once at the library - we picked 7 books, she scanned all of them,
said hi to other kids passing by, then we got our sweet treat in the
coffee shop (a spiderman chocolate cupcake).

wednesday 3/3

working late today, so slept in with nai.
she demanded pizza when she woke up.

nai: "my tummy is hungry, mommy"

so we drove to cubs, grabbed a sausage pizza,
with juice, bananas, and yogurt.

baked the pizza, once home... 10 minutes later,

nai: "pizza is ready! i smell pizza!"
me: "it's still not ready - 10 more minutes"
nai: "mommy! but i smell pizza - it's ready!
pleeeeeeeease, my tummy is hungry!"

she cried for 1 minute... realizing that maybe
i was right.

and when it was ready - she ate 3 slices
until her tummy was "good".

(in)visible headlines

and the world keeps on turning

olympics end
filling candadian streets
with flags and traffic
chile 8.8 earthquake growing deathtoll
triggers post-quake looters
tsunami scares for japan, hawaii, australia
suicide bombs, attacks, death in unstable
land of afghanistan

home lens on
returning killer whales shows
oprah's no phone zone campaign
students paying for unpaid internships
ucsd's growing race tension - illusion of inclusion
pain of illusions continue as noose hangs in library
a village called versailles in nola
roaring a unified voice
abercrombie & fitch's ignorance of people
costing millions
nature's winds blow electricity out for northern-eastern
usa

and closer to home
drive by shooting at a vigil
for a murdered teen, shot the night prior
murder-crash case reopened after toyota recalls
$1500 worth of girl scouts cookies stolen from a garage
weather storms of snow mountains
melting into floods as the spring sun peeks
(a)typical march in mn.

and the world keeps on turning.

ntxhais hmoob (hmong daughter)

i wrote this piece in fall of 2007 at our annual mips retreat.
shvonne asked us to read "girl" by jamaica kincaid then write our own "girl" piece.
here's mine:

Wake up early and make your bed, then come make breakfast for your brother and sisters. Wash the dishes, then dry them, then put them back where they belong. Sweep the floor, then mop the floor – don’t step on the wet floor, or we’ll see your tiger footprints. Don’t laugh so loud – a good hmong girl only giggles or at least covers her mouth when she laughs. Good hmong girls know that it’s rude to talk back to anyone, so listen and do things right the first time around. Don’t ask me again – just listen like a good hmong girl. Don’t be lazy – or you won’t find a husband. All good hmong men only want good hmong girls who know how to cook and clean. So when you’re done with the sweeping, go wipe the fridge, the sink, the oven – remember that your place is in the kitchen, not in front of the TV, or outside with boys playing soccer. But I just want to have fun with my friends. Girls do not play with boys, they do not kick a ball all day, they do not get dirty. There’s a lot of work to do – no time for fun. You’re the oldest sister, you’re a role model for your siblings – they look up to you, so work hard! If you don’t listen to us, they won’t listen to us. If you don’t clean after yourself, they won’t clean after themselves. If you just play all day, they will play all day. Remember - no money, no honey! When guests come over, greet them with their name and title – don’t just say “hi” and leave the room. After your greeting, go and wash some fruits, boil the water for hot tea and coffee, then bring us the fruits and knives, with a plate for trash, go back and get the cups, spoons, sugar, tea, and coffee ready – and bring them back. Tell the guests to go ahead and have some fruits and tea and coffee. And when they say “it’s okay – we don’t want any” – you must say, “please eat some fruits and tea and coffee” and serve them fruits, tea, and coffee anyway. Learn to smile without showing too much teeth. Learn to cook all of the dishes that your mother cooks. Learn to sit properly – do not cross or open your legs – make sure your skirt is long enough to cover your legs and knees. Make sure your shirt isn’t too low—don’t bring us shame. Dress like a proper Hmong girl – so people won’t talk about you behind your back and our backs, so our friends will be able to find you a good man and family to have. Think of us – think of us hard before you do anything irrational. You’re too young and don’t understand what life is about. So work hard, stop spending money on clothes and shoes – save your money for emergencies, stop playing outside in the sun with the boys, stop daydreaming about nonsense – a good Hmong girl can’t travel by herself or be away or far from her parents. You can follow your education, but you don’t want to be like your aunt – she’s an old maid, good education, good job, but no husband. But what if it’s the life she chose for herself? Stop questioning the way it’s been for centuries - the way of life our ancestors have lived and preserved and cherished - the root & essence of who we are. Stop it - stop asking questions. And, please do not bring us shame.

aztlan

9 years ago, a little angel entered my family's life.

aztlan - my nephew. son to my brother phengsha & sister-in-law claudia.

during a time, when my family was falling apart -
this little boy's birth and life brought us back together
to remember what love and family really meant.

he taught us
forgiveness
to let go of grudges and disappointments
to laugh, play, and spend time together
to not give up
to believe in the love and miracle of life

thank you my ozzie.
happy 9th birthday. i love you.

-yiyi

(below: aztlan at age 3)

sushi

we now have two sushi chefs and a sushi station in our dining hall.
sushi everyday. i could live with that. my checkbook, not so much.

today - sushi tempura roll.
right on.
crunchy. fresh. fulfilling.
wasabi bites. [sigh]

"happy in my tummy" as maddy would say.

what next?

[sigh]
contemplating
as i look at my list

the never-ending to do list
that i avoid to do

list of tasks,
of goals,
of resolutions.

organized
in priority order
by longest standing date

memorized to the d
details so clear
they sometimes blur
with insignificance

a list that
that screams for me to
check off its boxes
boxes attached to tasks
tasks that hang on
for days
for weeks

dragging an illusion
to complete satisfaction

wish i could
shred it
yes, shred it to

p
i
e
c
e
s

[sigh]

then, restart
with one thing to do:

1) live.

sisters of change

“Sisters of Change”

This is my community…

a community of women that refuses to settle for fear and ignorance
a community of women that stands up for those who cannot find the strength
a community of women that cherishes the relationships in their lives
a community of women that is grateful for the good in people and situations
a community of women that recognizes and celebrates one another’s achievements
a community of women that understands the power of knowledge and stories
a community of women that teaches about truth, tolerance, and persistence

During difficult times,
I find comfort and strength in these women,
I hear the joy and laughter from their hearts,
I see their caring spirit heal pain and dry tears,
I find peace in their determination to change the unjust,
And remember why I must confidently hold my head high.

Despite our different life journeys,
We all carry the same dreams, hopes, visions, and love
For our selves, our families, our friends, and our Mother Earth.
Our stories intertwine in the spell of life
Connecting me to you to her
And her to you to me.

My sisters,
Women of all colors,
Reliantly being the change in this world.

-Chuayi (2008)

i don't like cold

two days ago, my nainai put a piece of iced snow in a bowl and placed it outside.
on our way out of the house this morning, she spotted it and said "my ice!"
i reassured her that the ice was going to be okay because it likes the cold,
to which she replies "i dont like cold - i like hot"
and i reminded her that ice is the opposite - it likes cold, and not hot.
it becomes water when it's hot.
"mommy, i don't like cold - i like hot like water."

ah. my nai.
say it like it is.

the women in my life

a shout out to the women, young & old, who touched my life in one way or another...

maman - souvanh
grandmas - chia lo & lo la
daughter - my madelyn nainai yang
sisters - ymt & maimai, claudia, pala52, lisa, angel, nikki, marina, mai lo
relatives - linda, thaoke, bao, xy, marlena, mog, bauee, shai, ann, marlena, sunshine, booboo, caroline, izzy, w2x ladies, all thao, xiong, and yang ladies
friends & mentors- mee, ying, sia, kazoua, shvonne, donna, ciara, norah, aimee, coventry, kazoua kt, kao kalia, jennifer s, samiam, lily moua, madame, mai c., cynthia, sai, mim, maykao h, choua h, jenny y, nou y, keo c., dia cha, mai na lee, ka vang, & my woc bookclub ladies

inspirations: dr. maya angelou, angela davis, grace lee boggs, lisa ling, banana yoshimoto, chimamanda adichie, ishle park, theresa vu (magnetic north), michele obama, winona laduke, dr. waziyatawin, mary j blige, dr. joy leary, nikki giovanni, cherry moraga, anne curry, doualy xaykaothao, oprah, ellen.

Workday#3 for February

This is my official 3rd day at work for the month. After I came back from PR, I only worked 2 days til I got sick again - and been away for over a week.

Life and its surprises.

As you can imagine, plenty of projects, emails, requests, meetings to attend to.

4 hours left til the end of the day. And it looks like i've been scheduled to meet for 2 of those hours already. never enough time to be.

today, i'm grateful for:

- kleenex tissues w/ lotion (no more red burns on the nose)
-cough drops (calms the throath & chest congestion)
- hot tea (nothing like it when your voice is gone)
- iphones (an addictive treasure)
- hugs (even more special when she demands one from mommy!)
- colors (mn is too white during this time of the year.. colors save me from blindness)

ah. i can't believe it's friday.

kleenex boxes

been sick for the last few days.
been on living on meds, water, kleenexes,
and the travel channel.
appetite's back.
but rest is still needed.

hope to be back on my feet again.
soon.

niam tais = grandma

had a breakfast/coffee conversation with tais tais this morning.
found out she likes waffles. with lots of syrup.

listened to her - as she remembered her life back in laos
as a girl,
as a girl without her mom -
as a young woman,
as a young wife, mother..
and the past few decades in the US..
as a single mom -
as an aged woman..
as a grandmother and great-grandmother.

tais always seemed to carry a hard shell on her -
not quite as much these days..
she was much softer today than i remember.
her voice lower and slower.
reflective. thoughtful.

with spots of humor.

her messages still roared.. with persistence and power.
her fierce woman warrior spirit still much alive and present.
as ever.

i miss you

i miss you, pr (puerto rico).

i miss your sandy beaches, your ocean waves, your sunny blue sky and hint of white fluffy clouds.

i miss your street vendors, your authentic dishes - all handmade with love, full of plaintain, and pincho (kabobs) meats grilled to perfection.

i miss your colorful lifehood, buildings, people, and music.

i miss walking down the block to discover unknown treasures hidden in your streets, away from the limelight of tourist neighborhoods.

i miss going to sleep and waking up to birds chirping and coqui frogs "coqui-ing" .. the sound of perfect harmony.

i miss the warmth you gave me every day i had in your presence.

thank you.

beyond the illusion of inclusion

heard rev. dr. jamie washington today. authentic, powerful, fearless leader - activist - believer.

he challenged me to see beyond the illusion of inclusion, to distinguish between the "ideal" and the "reality" of my constructed world views, to put language to name what i see, and to be and stay "real" by exploring the depth of my honnesty and truth.

deep, deep, deep reflections.
what's the difference that makes the difference?
looking at who i am - my layered identities, my knowledge, my history, my current reality - how they impact my decisions to engage, diagnose, and intervene to either stand by or act in shifting the status quo.

.. deep, deep, deep change.

2 more days

indeed. 2 more days until PR.

to do list:

@ work - finalize february & march speakers. (can't wait: npr's doualy xaykaothao and curtis chin with "vincent who?") clean my office. record my "out of office" message.

@ home - pack. period.

i need to consciously focus on NOT getting sick.
my strategies: water, sleep, and no stress.

wish me luck.

venting session

it's 3:30 pm.
brain's capacity is @ max.
carrying bit of a heavy heart.

where do i even start?

all morning, i listened to presentation, discussion, and reflection on the frustrating reality of prison-industrial complex, school to prison pipeline, social & racial injustice in the criminal justice system, the failure of our educational system - miseducating, classifying, ignoring, pushing our students out of school before they drop out. blaming and handcuffing children, entering them in a system that gets rid of their dreams, dignity, identity, and community.

the fight that needs to be fought. angela davis. john kozol. james cone. and others. thank you.

then, add more.. complexities, realities, inevitabilities of race.

racebending - i'm boycotting:

*yellowface in hollywood with "extraordinary measures "(the real dr. is taiwanese, not white and "avatar the airbender" (the real "aang"is chinese, not white)
*tyra banks... if you only knew.
*101.3 kdwb..... i don't do dave. i ban dave!

and here's another topic to challenge your ethical quotient:

adopting haitian babies - americans' fascination to save the poor and orphaned haitian children. who is to say that americans know how to best provide for them. (cough... the media... cough) the madness needs to stop. and for a start, americans need to look in their own backyards if they want to help children who need a home and family.

4:00 pm - signing out.

simply grateful that priscilla anh's angelic voice in "rain" is available.

lunch break.

2:52 pm. lunch break. it's been a long day.

time for food & a little dreaming about where
i'll be next friday..... puerto rico.

got to stay focus until then.
still have a long list of "to do" before
departure date.

til next blog, gotta eat & re-energize.

a little hip hop.

i don't know much about hip hop.
but something about it always stirs my soul.

nothing like a little hip hop from asian american voices - to move my feet.. my heart.. my soul...

enjoy:


Magnetic North (Theresa Vu & Direct)
Song: "Drift Away"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=02uwX2djJS4















Fareast Movement (Kev Nish, J-Spliff, Prohgress, DJ Virman)
Song: "Like a G6" (I have a feeling this will be ymt's new favorite song - nothing like FM Love)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GvgJEznqtms

more than words.

after 10 blogs, i have finally figured out how to post pictures, links, and videos... not as tech savvy as i'd like to think.

it's 11:36 pm - nai & her cousins are playing "school" in her room - giggling, laughing, and trying to be adults. the older nephews, matt & mel, playing ps3 .. quite intensely. i was able to get away for a little bit.

no matter how much i look forward to weekends, i never fully get the rest i need to re-start a workweek. a sample - since i got work yesterday (friday), I :

*attended my weekend class from 6 to 9pm
*stayed up with my nainai until midnight watching tinkerbell and reading books

*woke up early this morning to take my nephew matt to an ACT/SAT prep session
*shopped w/ love for outfits for his company's mystery murder dinner tomorrow night (it took all morning) he'll be a photographer & i'll be a flapper girl.. oh boy.
*came home, ate lunch - then nai & i left to cheer on my nephew Ozzie at his basketball game (go whitebear LAKERS! they won 45 to 25 - they have been undefeated all season thus far!)
*returned home - put my nai to bed for a nap while i enjoyed the beautiful warm winter day outside - shoveling the slush in our driveway for an hour - my arms and back are feeling that workout just about... now.
*cooked dinner (home-made burgers & fries!) for the kids
*cleaned..
*added two more kids to my daycare duties :-) (kyler & caroline)
.. and have been entertaining them with a movie, popcorn, chocolate pudding.. but they would rather play videogames online, play "school" or "house", run around the house screaming, eat candycane and other sweets, and insist that they are not tired.

.. and yes, it's only 11:42 pm. it's going to be a long night.
at least, i attempt to sleep in tomorrow morning :-)
so please do not call me until noon. thank you.

what i hope to dream about tonight:



good night world. signing out - suabyi.

photocredits: http://www.smilesandmilestravel.com/images/puerto_rico_evening.jpg

my (s)hero of the week

i saw this 20-minute video of novelist chimamanda adichie a few weeks ago. and had to seriously absorb what she said.
so, i watched it again yesterday.... and just found it beautiful. powerful. truthful. authentic. real. courageous. hopeful. ... just phenomenal.

enjoy.

http://www.cnn.com/video/data/2.0/video/living/2009/11/20/ted.chimamanda.adichie.ted.html

photocredits: http://astripedarmchair.files.wordpress.com/2008/06/chimamanda_ngozi_adichie_3.gif

home meal

i'm going to attempt a home cooked meal tonight.
just been eating leftovers, to-go meals, and at people's homes.

it's been over a week now that i've actually looked inside
my fridge, with intentions to cook. so tonight i'll attempt.
hopefully, nainai will cooperate and not drag my legs.

signing out.

haiti

my heart is with the people of haiti today.

different lens

today, i feel a little different.

my body aches to rest.
my feet aches to run.
my mind aches to imagine.
my voice aches to share.

the sun seems brighter.
the world's colors are more vivid.
my maddy looks bigger and wiser

my steps slower. my breath deeper.
my face older. my heart softer.

i feel an urgent call to change,
to redefine,
to live,
to be.

my life. my priorities. my daily routines.
my self-esteem. my values. my relationships.
my dreams. my core. my spirit.

i can't stop thinking about life's fragility.
life's miracles. life's messages. life's pain.
life's joys. life's ending. life's meaning.

i can't stop feeling grateful and
i can't stop feeling love.

today, i feel a little different.

yawj txiv

yawj txiv - mus zoo koj os.

may your departure spark a stronger effort on our parts to be a family.
thank you & good bye.

-suabyi

start of a long weekend

it's 1:11 am. just got back from prepping the funeral home for my grandpa's funeral - my mom's dad - with my parents, aunties and nainai.

the start of a long weekend. we will be with the family until monday. remembering his life. reconnecting with family members. sharing grief & loss. and reminding myself how fragile life is.

most importantly, just making sure that i'm there for my mom and her siblings - helping where i can, so that they can have time to mourn and share their stories.. fill the hole in their hearts with warmth from others' love. hoping that their memories of grandpa will ease the pain.

as for me, it'll be about ensuring that my grandfather has an honorable departure to start his next journey. i regret many a-things.. like not knowing him more personally. not having the chance to ever sit with him and talk. not having a vivid memory of him that i could share with my daughter or my cousins.. or my siblings. my life with grandpa in it is a blur that i struggle to retrieve. sadly.

yet, i feel the love my mom hold so dearly for him -- and i understand that this man was loved once - and that this man was my mom's caretaker, her protector, her role model, her father. and my heart aches thinking about how it must feel to lose my own father. so i understand.

this weekend - is my last chance to tell my grandfather - that although we did not get the chance to acquaint each other as much as we could have, i know that we carry the same bloodline, we come from the same roots & family - i hope he knows that we all love him and only wish for him to have a safe trip to his heaven.

with all my love, grandpa. may you rest in peace.

my heroine of the day: miss shvonne l johnson

shvonne. L. johnson.

i met shvonne back in fall of 2005. i was leaving st.kate's for michigan, and she was taking over my position as multicultural outreach coordinator position in the mips office. i spend 2 days training her for the job and had such a great time with her. when i returned back in 2006 to take over the assistant director position in mips, i remember shvonne told me that she knew we'd work together again. even after i left, she could feel that our paths would cross again.

and indeed, they did. and how grateful i am that i was given another chance to work alongside her.

in the 3 years that we were colleagues, i have learned so much from her about "truly" advocating for students of color, practicing intentional relationship building, understanding the history of race in our country and its impact on generations of african americans, connecting the power of knowledge, books, and community - and observing that racism is also negatively affecting the white community.

shvonne made me realize the importance of learning, researching, and knowing my own history. i have never met anyone who has challenged me more to make peace with the lies my education has taught me to believe in. i have never met anyone who could emotionally move everyone in a room to believe again in a world free of discrimination and oppression.

when i think of shvonne, i think about the strength and courage she carries with her everywhere she goes to ensure that people of color understand and see that they should not fear to dream because that dream is theirs to have.

shvonne has such a good heart - and i hope that life will continue to bless her with all the richness she deserves.

i thought of her today - as she spends her first official day at Howard University in DC, pursuing a master's in the history of the african diaspora, on her bush fellowship!

a true heroine in my heart.

dwelling in the power of words...

i love words.
the way letters and words come together to give meaning to feelings, fears, thoughts, creations, actions, imagination, possibilities, hope, courage, love.

some of my favorites quotes to read on snowy, cold, heavy hearts days:

“for changes to be of any true value, they've got to be lasting and consistent.” -anthony robbins

"not anything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced." - james baldwin

"life does not put things in front of you that you are unable to handle." anynomous

"behind the gray clouds, the sun still shines." - anynomous

"if you're going to dream anyways, dream BIG." -donald trump

"we are the leaders we seek." - grace lee boggs

"…there is no tool for development more effective than the empowerment of women." -kofi annan

"imagination is more important than knowledge." -albert einstein

"l'essentiel est invisible pour les yeux." -le petit prince

"life is either a daring adventure or nothing at all." -helen keller

"when one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us." -helen keller

"never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has" -margaret mead

"a bird doesn't sing because it has an answer, it sings because it has a song." -maya angelou

... and a life-changing poem (introduced to me by my dear friend shvonne l. johnson):

Our Deepest Fear by Marianne Williamson

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant,gorgeous, handsome, talented and fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God within us.
It is not just in some; it is in everyone.
And, as we let our own light shine,
we consciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our fear,our presence automatically liberates others.

Gratefulness

10 things i'm grateful for today:

*nainai's "good morning!" giggles then "wake up, mom" commands
*a cell phone that wakes me up on time
*car heaters that work on cold mn days
*free hot cocoa in the office
*a boss that supports & pushes me to be better
*my own office space, computer, desk, phone.. and door.
*a dad that calls because he wonders how i'm doing
*world-knowledge at the tip of my fingers
*working in a building that has everything (from dining hall, post-office, bookstore to coffeeshop)
*ability to see and read and feel

living 2010

2010.
with it: new hopes, dreams, and energy,
and a new blog.

resolution list for my soul:

*be happy - laugh when it's obviously funny
*be healthy - stay away from madness & drama
*love more, yell less - hug & kiss, no pointing
*be courageous - speak truth, don't let fear prevail
*be intentional - live with a mission in mind

live. believe. dream. love.