learning again

breathing
comes
a bit harder
these days

overwhelming
thoughts, fears, regrets
fill the heart
with doubt

wishing
my heart could
let go
of selfish pride
and embrace
mistakes of past
present
to open
a more hopeful
future

33 - perfect in all of my imperfections

i'm 33 today.

since the last post:

*sachi patel was born - to anesh and maytsua on february 25, 2011. he is currently a chunky, active, and amazing little boy. his grip is strong - he's got a relaxed and intense attitude. always generous with his smiles :)

*nolan vs thao was born - to mike & meegie. he is such a sweet heart. always smiling. and thinking. i feel his old soul when i look at him. he is wise and thoughtful.

*my halayna ntxhee yees was born on may 22, 2011. weighing at 8lbs 1 oz. it was a positive labor experience. both love and i feel blessed to have her in our family. maddy is getting more and more attached to her. she's a great big sister.

halayna just turned 2 months on friday 7/22. she's getting bigger - weighed 12 lbs at her 2month check up. she's getting more active. starting to see pple and smiling/responding to their sounds and smiles. she LOVES bubble baths and just kicks her feet the whole time. she falls asleep to the song "Shenandoh" and loves taking naps in her car seat, as well as our bed.

my maddy's turning 5 in august. we celebrated her birthday early this year since the family is busy in august. she had a great time at her party - dressed like snow white. :) she is clever, hilarious..and a great entertainer. she loves to sing, dance, and make people laugh. she is a great baker and artist.. learned to bike, with 3 wheels. she says the funniest things. she loves dresses that flow so she can dance like a ballerina. i remind myself that she was and still is my miracle.

love just surprised me with great seats to my first ever U2 concert this past weekend. my birthday AND christmas gift. they were spendy seats. i had a spiritual experience at this concert.. the pictures and videos do not do it justice. it just felt full circle to stand in front of this iconic band, who i've dreamed of hearing and seeing since i was a little girl in france. the music was reminiscing. i did a lot of reflections as the rain poured on us that night. it was just bliss.

Love is the pivotal core of my survival and my being in this world. He's given me so many reasons to be thankful in this lifetime.

Being 33 offers me another year to be a better person. i'm determined to run the TC marathon again in october 2012. i'm determined to make things right in my life. i will face my fears and understand/realize that life can't start until i allow myself to be humble about my flaws.

i'm perfect in all of my imperfections. that's my theme for my 33rd year on this heavenly planet.

absent, yet present

been gone from this site.
haven't had time to contribute much thought
or insight

yet, been more intentional than ever
to spend time with my daughter
before petit pois makes her arrival.

i know nai is excited, and nervous
loving the possibilities of what sibling love could be like
yet fearing to share her parents' love

my focus: spend the spring and summer with my oldest
as we learn to adjust to another miraculous gift - another
family member - another branch added to our family tree. :)

counting down the weeks.
12 more to go.

wish me luck.

since last post: mimi & nory became parents to little miss peyton.
and as i'm writing this, maimai and anesh are awaiting the arrival
of their little boy. it'll be a long night.

one word as i close this post: blessed.

and....

it's a girl.
nai is insisting on "helena" or "halayna"
we are thrilled.
excited.
and cant' wait to meet her.

she's a shaker. :)

little pea

un petit pois.
on its way
in mid-may.

m.i.a. feels good

being gone for a while
is a good thing.

feeling blessed.

created on june 11

"lately"

you gain some you lose some

that's how i've been feeling

been present at events where i learn about issues i care about

been absent at home where i don't know what my love is thinking

or what my daughter is fearing

been lining myself up to expand my professional network in

communities of color, by attending workshops, trainings, and

committees to reflect, dialogue, strategically plan actions for

change.

been absent to see my daughter wake up in the morning,

see her eat, see her laugh, see her learn, see her teach me

about the things she wonders about

been oblivious to the conversations that love instigates

to show concerns, care, and steps to move forward

been thinking about the efforts i put forth to show love,

comments that i say that hurt more than make a point,

actions i do that speak what i don't say and

are not connected to the intentions in my heart.

uncertain about my courage most times,

as fear overwhelms my thoughts at night

at day, at work, at home

all stirring my heart towards a deeper purpose,

that still scares me.

all reminding me of truths and lies

community

family

self

which one comes first?