beyond the illusion of inclusion

heard rev. dr. jamie washington today. authentic, powerful, fearless leader - activist - believer.

he challenged me to see beyond the illusion of inclusion, to distinguish between the "ideal" and the "reality" of my constructed world views, to put language to name what i see, and to be and stay "real" by exploring the depth of my honnesty and truth.

deep, deep, deep reflections.
what's the difference that makes the difference?
looking at who i am - my layered identities, my knowledge, my history, my current reality - how they impact my decisions to engage, diagnose, and intervene to either stand by or act in shifting the status quo.

.. deep, deep, deep change.

2 more days

indeed. 2 more days until PR.

to do list:

@ work - finalize february & march speakers. (can't wait: npr's doualy xaykaothao and curtis chin with "vincent who?") clean my office. record my "out of office" message.

@ home - pack. period.

i need to consciously focus on NOT getting sick.
my strategies: water, sleep, and no stress.

wish me luck.

venting session

it's 3:30 pm.
brain's capacity is @ max.
carrying bit of a heavy heart.

where do i even start?

all morning, i listened to presentation, discussion, and reflection on the frustrating reality of prison-industrial complex, school to prison pipeline, social & racial injustice in the criminal justice system, the failure of our educational system - miseducating, classifying, ignoring, pushing our students out of school before they drop out. blaming and handcuffing children, entering them in a system that gets rid of their dreams, dignity, identity, and community.

the fight that needs to be fought. angela davis. john kozol. james cone. and others. thank you.

then, add more.. complexities, realities, inevitabilities of race.

racebending - i'm boycotting:

*yellowface in hollywood with "extraordinary measures "(the real dr. is taiwanese, not white and "avatar the airbender" (the real "aang"is chinese, not white)
*tyra banks... if you only knew.
*101.3 kdwb..... i don't do dave. i ban dave!

and here's another topic to challenge your ethical quotient:

adopting haitian babies - americans' fascination to save the poor and orphaned haitian children. who is to say that americans know how to best provide for them. (cough... the media... cough) the madness needs to stop. and for a start, americans need to look in their own backyards if they want to help children who need a home and family.

4:00 pm - signing out.

simply grateful that priscilla anh's angelic voice in "rain" is available.

lunch break.

2:52 pm. lunch break. it's been a long day.

time for food & a little dreaming about where
i'll be next friday..... puerto rico.

got to stay focus until then.
still have a long list of "to do" before
departure date.

til next blog, gotta eat & re-energize.

a little hip hop.

i don't know much about hip hop.
but something about it always stirs my soul.

nothing like a little hip hop from asian american voices - to move my feet.. my heart.. my soul...

enjoy:


Magnetic North (Theresa Vu & Direct)
Song: "Drift Away"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=02uwX2djJS4















Fareast Movement (Kev Nish, J-Spliff, Prohgress, DJ Virman)
Song: "Like a G6" (I have a feeling this will be ymt's new favorite song - nothing like FM Love)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GvgJEznqtms

more than words.

after 10 blogs, i have finally figured out how to post pictures, links, and videos... not as tech savvy as i'd like to think.

it's 11:36 pm - nai & her cousins are playing "school" in her room - giggling, laughing, and trying to be adults. the older nephews, matt & mel, playing ps3 .. quite intensely. i was able to get away for a little bit.

no matter how much i look forward to weekends, i never fully get the rest i need to re-start a workweek. a sample - since i got work yesterday (friday), I :

*attended my weekend class from 6 to 9pm
*stayed up with my nainai until midnight watching tinkerbell and reading books

*woke up early this morning to take my nephew matt to an ACT/SAT prep session
*shopped w/ love for outfits for his company's mystery murder dinner tomorrow night (it took all morning) he'll be a photographer & i'll be a flapper girl.. oh boy.
*came home, ate lunch - then nai & i left to cheer on my nephew Ozzie at his basketball game (go whitebear LAKERS! they won 45 to 25 - they have been undefeated all season thus far!)
*returned home - put my nai to bed for a nap while i enjoyed the beautiful warm winter day outside - shoveling the slush in our driveway for an hour - my arms and back are feeling that workout just about... now.
*cooked dinner (home-made burgers & fries!) for the kids
*cleaned..
*added two more kids to my daycare duties :-) (kyler & caroline)
.. and have been entertaining them with a movie, popcorn, chocolate pudding.. but they would rather play videogames online, play "school" or "house", run around the house screaming, eat candycane and other sweets, and insist that they are not tired.

.. and yes, it's only 11:42 pm. it's going to be a long night.
at least, i attempt to sleep in tomorrow morning :-)
so please do not call me until noon. thank you.

what i hope to dream about tonight:



good night world. signing out - suabyi.

photocredits: http://www.smilesandmilestravel.com/images/puerto_rico_evening.jpg

my (s)hero of the week

i saw this 20-minute video of novelist chimamanda adichie a few weeks ago. and had to seriously absorb what she said.
so, i watched it again yesterday.... and just found it beautiful. powerful. truthful. authentic. real. courageous. hopeful. ... just phenomenal.

enjoy.

http://www.cnn.com/video/data/2.0/video/living/2009/11/20/ted.chimamanda.adichie.ted.html

photocredits: http://astripedarmchair.files.wordpress.com/2008/06/chimamanda_ngozi_adichie_3.gif

home meal

i'm going to attempt a home cooked meal tonight.
just been eating leftovers, to-go meals, and at people's homes.

it's been over a week now that i've actually looked inside
my fridge, with intentions to cook. so tonight i'll attempt.
hopefully, nainai will cooperate and not drag my legs.

signing out.

haiti

my heart is with the people of haiti today.

different lens

today, i feel a little different.

my body aches to rest.
my feet aches to run.
my mind aches to imagine.
my voice aches to share.

the sun seems brighter.
the world's colors are more vivid.
my maddy looks bigger and wiser

my steps slower. my breath deeper.
my face older. my heart softer.

i feel an urgent call to change,
to redefine,
to live,
to be.

my life. my priorities. my daily routines.
my self-esteem. my values. my relationships.
my dreams. my core. my spirit.

i can't stop thinking about life's fragility.
life's miracles. life's messages. life's pain.
life's joys. life's ending. life's meaning.

i can't stop feeling grateful and
i can't stop feeling love.

today, i feel a little different.

yawj txiv

yawj txiv - mus zoo koj os.

may your departure spark a stronger effort on our parts to be a family.
thank you & good bye.

-suabyi

start of a long weekend

it's 1:11 am. just got back from prepping the funeral home for my grandpa's funeral - my mom's dad - with my parents, aunties and nainai.

the start of a long weekend. we will be with the family until monday. remembering his life. reconnecting with family members. sharing grief & loss. and reminding myself how fragile life is.

most importantly, just making sure that i'm there for my mom and her siblings - helping where i can, so that they can have time to mourn and share their stories.. fill the hole in their hearts with warmth from others' love. hoping that their memories of grandpa will ease the pain.

as for me, it'll be about ensuring that my grandfather has an honorable departure to start his next journey. i regret many a-things.. like not knowing him more personally. not having the chance to ever sit with him and talk. not having a vivid memory of him that i could share with my daughter or my cousins.. or my siblings. my life with grandpa in it is a blur that i struggle to retrieve. sadly.

yet, i feel the love my mom hold so dearly for him -- and i understand that this man was loved once - and that this man was my mom's caretaker, her protector, her role model, her father. and my heart aches thinking about how it must feel to lose my own father. so i understand.

this weekend - is my last chance to tell my grandfather - that although we did not get the chance to acquaint each other as much as we could have, i know that we carry the same bloodline, we come from the same roots & family - i hope he knows that we all love him and only wish for him to have a safe trip to his heaven.

with all my love, grandpa. may you rest in peace.

my heroine of the day: miss shvonne l johnson

shvonne. L. johnson.

i met shvonne back in fall of 2005. i was leaving st.kate's for michigan, and she was taking over my position as multicultural outreach coordinator position in the mips office. i spend 2 days training her for the job and had such a great time with her. when i returned back in 2006 to take over the assistant director position in mips, i remember shvonne told me that she knew we'd work together again. even after i left, she could feel that our paths would cross again.

and indeed, they did. and how grateful i am that i was given another chance to work alongside her.

in the 3 years that we were colleagues, i have learned so much from her about "truly" advocating for students of color, practicing intentional relationship building, understanding the history of race in our country and its impact on generations of african americans, connecting the power of knowledge, books, and community - and observing that racism is also negatively affecting the white community.

shvonne made me realize the importance of learning, researching, and knowing my own history. i have never met anyone who has challenged me more to make peace with the lies my education has taught me to believe in. i have never met anyone who could emotionally move everyone in a room to believe again in a world free of discrimination and oppression.

when i think of shvonne, i think about the strength and courage she carries with her everywhere she goes to ensure that people of color understand and see that they should not fear to dream because that dream is theirs to have.

shvonne has such a good heart - and i hope that life will continue to bless her with all the richness she deserves.

i thought of her today - as she spends her first official day at Howard University in DC, pursuing a master's in the history of the african diaspora, on her bush fellowship!

a true heroine in my heart.

dwelling in the power of words...

i love words.
the way letters and words come together to give meaning to feelings, fears, thoughts, creations, actions, imagination, possibilities, hope, courage, love.

some of my favorites quotes to read on snowy, cold, heavy hearts days:

“for changes to be of any true value, they've got to be lasting and consistent.” -anthony robbins

"not anything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced." - james baldwin

"life does not put things in front of you that you are unable to handle." anynomous

"behind the gray clouds, the sun still shines." - anynomous

"if you're going to dream anyways, dream BIG." -donald trump

"we are the leaders we seek." - grace lee boggs

"…there is no tool for development more effective than the empowerment of women." -kofi annan

"imagination is more important than knowledge." -albert einstein

"l'essentiel est invisible pour les yeux." -le petit prince

"life is either a daring adventure or nothing at all." -helen keller

"when one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us." -helen keller

"never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has" -margaret mead

"a bird doesn't sing because it has an answer, it sings because it has a song." -maya angelou

... and a life-changing poem (introduced to me by my dear friend shvonne l. johnson):

Our Deepest Fear by Marianne Williamson

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant,gorgeous, handsome, talented and fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God within us.
It is not just in some; it is in everyone.
And, as we let our own light shine,
we consciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our fear,our presence automatically liberates others.

Gratefulness

10 things i'm grateful for today:

*nainai's "good morning!" giggles then "wake up, mom" commands
*a cell phone that wakes me up on time
*car heaters that work on cold mn days
*free hot cocoa in the office
*a boss that supports & pushes me to be better
*my own office space, computer, desk, phone.. and door.
*a dad that calls because he wonders how i'm doing
*world-knowledge at the tip of my fingers
*working in a building that has everything (from dining hall, post-office, bookstore to coffeeshop)
*ability to see and read and feel

living 2010

2010.
with it: new hopes, dreams, and energy,
and a new blog.

resolution list for my soul:

*be happy - laugh when it's obviously funny
*be healthy - stay away from madness & drama
*love more, yell less - hug & kiss, no pointing
*be courageous - speak truth, don't let fear prevail
*be intentional - live with a mission in mind

live. believe. dream. love.