learning again

breathing
comes
a bit harder
these days

overwhelming
thoughts, fears, regrets
fill the heart
with doubt

wishing
my heart could
let go
of selfish pride
and embrace
mistakes of past
present
to open
a more hopeful
future

33 - perfect in all of my imperfections

i'm 33 today.

since the last post:

*sachi patel was born - to anesh and maytsua on february 25, 2011. he is currently a chunky, active, and amazing little boy. his grip is strong - he's got a relaxed and intense attitude. always generous with his smiles :)

*nolan vs thao was born - to mike & meegie. he is such a sweet heart. always smiling. and thinking. i feel his old soul when i look at him. he is wise and thoughtful.

*my halayna ntxhee yees was born on may 22, 2011. weighing at 8lbs 1 oz. it was a positive labor experience. both love and i feel blessed to have her in our family. maddy is getting more and more attached to her. she's a great big sister.

halayna just turned 2 months on friday 7/22. she's getting bigger - weighed 12 lbs at her 2month check up. she's getting more active. starting to see pple and smiling/responding to their sounds and smiles. she LOVES bubble baths and just kicks her feet the whole time. she falls asleep to the song "Shenandoh" and loves taking naps in her car seat, as well as our bed.

my maddy's turning 5 in august. we celebrated her birthday early this year since the family is busy in august. she had a great time at her party - dressed like snow white. :) she is clever, hilarious..and a great entertainer. she loves to sing, dance, and make people laugh. she is a great baker and artist.. learned to bike, with 3 wheels. she says the funniest things. she loves dresses that flow so she can dance like a ballerina. i remind myself that she was and still is my miracle.

love just surprised me with great seats to my first ever U2 concert this past weekend. my birthday AND christmas gift. they were spendy seats. i had a spiritual experience at this concert.. the pictures and videos do not do it justice. it just felt full circle to stand in front of this iconic band, who i've dreamed of hearing and seeing since i was a little girl in france. the music was reminiscing. i did a lot of reflections as the rain poured on us that night. it was just bliss.

Love is the pivotal core of my survival and my being in this world. He's given me so many reasons to be thankful in this lifetime.

Being 33 offers me another year to be a better person. i'm determined to run the TC marathon again in october 2012. i'm determined to make things right in my life. i will face my fears and understand/realize that life can't start until i allow myself to be humble about my flaws.

i'm perfect in all of my imperfections. that's my theme for my 33rd year on this heavenly planet.

absent, yet present

been gone from this site.
haven't had time to contribute much thought
or insight

yet, been more intentional than ever
to spend time with my daughter
before petit pois makes her arrival.

i know nai is excited, and nervous
loving the possibilities of what sibling love could be like
yet fearing to share her parents' love

my focus: spend the spring and summer with my oldest
as we learn to adjust to another miraculous gift - another
family member - another branch added to our family tree. :)

counting down the weeks.
12 more to go.

wish me luck.

since last post: mimi & nory became parents to little miss peyton.
and as i'm writing this, maimai and anesh are awaiting the arrival
of their little boy. it'll be a long night.

one word as i close this post: blessed.

and....

it's a girl.
nai is insisting on "helena" or "halayna"
we are thrilled.
excited.
and cant' wait to meet her.

she's a shaker. :)

little pea

un petit pois.
on its way
in mid-may.

m.i.a. feels good

being gone for a while
is a good thing.

feeling blessed.

created on june 11

"lately"

you gain some you lose some

that's how i've been feeling

been present at events where i learn about issues i care about

been absent at home where i don't know what my love is thinking

or what my daughter is fearing

been lining myself up to expand my professional network in

communities of color, by attending workshops, trainings, and

committees to reflect, dialogue, strategically plan actions for

change.

been absent to see my daughter wake up in the morning,

see her eat, see her laugh, see her learn, see her teach me

about the things she wonders about

been oblivious to the conversations that love instigates

to show concerns, care, and steps to move forward

been thinking about the efforts i put forth to show love,

comments that i say that hurt more than make a point,

actions i do that speak what i don't say and

are not connected to the intentions in my heart.

uncertain about my courage most times,

as fear overwhelms my thoughts at night

at day, at work, at home

all stirring my heart towards a deeper purpose,

that still scares me.

all reminding me of truths and lies

community

family

self

which one comes first?

32 years and 1 week old.

spent my birth day at home.
painting, giggling, cooking, baking, relaxing, reflecting.. and chatting with my daughter.

this past year reminded me how fragile life is.

this coming year, i will:
*make people i love and care about - my priority. other "things" can wait.
*hit reset - and start at setting goals that align with the dreams in my heart.
*be nicer to my body and my soul.
*have more fun.

i just realized that i am 32 just once in my life.
live in all of it.

full weekends

since the last post: a funeral, a concert, a wedding.

funeral for an uncle - tong seng yang. 4 days long. full house at legacy. nyab duties: food prep, cook, set up, serve, repeat.

concert in chicago - lilith fair 2010. 7 women. road trip madness. inside jokes & memories. moved to tears by mary j blige's energy & lyrics, then felt life came full circle when sarah mclachlan sang "sweet surrender".. my year's top life-shifting moment,thus far.

wedding - my youngest sister is getting married to her high school sweetheart. my parents dealing with an "empty nest". celebrating with a feast this weekend & pouring all my love in this one.

life at full speed. helmet on.

moving

life just keeps on moving
things are a-changing
trying to grasp a little of what i can
while i can

speak for my heart

We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey. ~Kenji Miyazawa

Memory is a way of holding onto the things you love, the things you are, the things you never want to lose. ~From the television show The Wonder Years

If you're going through hell, keep going. ~Winston Churchill

We acquire the strength we have overcome. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Courage is being afraid but going on anyhow. ~Dan Rather

You can clutch the past so tightly to your chest that it leaves your arms too full to embrace the present. ~Jan Glidewell

There are things that we don't want to happen but have to accept, things we don't want to know but have to learn, and people we can't live without but have to let go. ~Author Unknown

Although the world is full of suffering, it is also full of the overcoming of it.-- Helen Keller

Eventually you will come to understand that love heals everything, and love is all there is.-- Gary Zukav

Forgiving does not erase the bitter past. A healed memory is not a deleted memory. Instead, forgiving what we cannot forget creates a new way to remember. We change the memory of our past into a hope for our future.-- Lewis B. Smedes

Our sorrows and wounds are healed only when we touch them with compassion.-- Buddha

The soul is healed by being with children.-- Fyodor Dostoyevsky

Amen.

june 24th

when this presentation and class that i've been intensely working on will end.

when my summer will finally start.
when i'll be able to focus more on my house,
my yard, my sleep,
my nainai.

when i'll be able to start enjoying life
a little more.

yeepie.

a little distressed

been thinking about control.

how much control
or little control
i have on my life,
or the next curve
that takes me for a spin.

control
the urge to keep it
still in my hands

ymt

talked with ymt the other day.

nothing like family love & support.
the unexpected gifts that life brings.
the miracles that enter our lives
to shift the way we carry ourselves,
listen to ourselves and each other,
love one another, realize the hole that
would be without each other, the
beauty that is the core of our love,
of our lives, and our dreams/hopes.

believe.
trust.
life will teach all there is to learn.

love you sis.

life at light speed

living life at the speed of light.

that's what it feels like.
a constant rush of excitement,
chased by squeaking urgent anxiety.

Not the greatest combination.

what i ask for is aligning in my path..
and i know it'd be foolish to ignore.

so help me. remind me.

to breathe, to be grateful.
to live all i can
before life ends on its own terms.

DC

Leaving for DC on June 1st for NCORE (National Conference on Race & Ethnicity) with 4 students & a colleague. Looking forward to the week-long conference, dialogues, reflections - and DC sights, foods, company, and memories.

Last time I was in DC was in 9th grade for a weeklong program for youths who were "New" Americans - learned about the government, making and passing a bill, shook hands with President Clinton, and debated with MN House Rep (at the time) about why we couldn't use the money for the infamous ice castles towards resources and shelters for the homeless. I remember not getting sick because the program staff made sure we had a gallon of water & cups in every room - and made sure that we were constantly hydrated. Very empowering experience, for a 14 year old.

DC in the horizon.

my happy place

my happy place = the farmer's market

weekend morning routine
in spring and summer

excitement & joy
at the vision of
fresh fruits
and vegetables
roasted corn with butter
loaded brats - with slices of green, yellow, red peppers
fresh squeezed lemonade and limeade

traffic jam by feet
surround sounds and chatters
adding to the chaos

plants, flowers, herbs
handmade soaps, utensils,
jewelry, clothes, creations
and treats
adding to the calm peace

a happy peace that is all mine

breathe

lately i've forgotten
often

to breathe

stress of work and school,
and millions of deadlines,
events, papers, letters,
applications
to read, to meet, to revise,
to attend, to speak at.

and breathe.

Waking up before the sun
Resting after the sun

and breathe.

Coffee, coffee,
bagel,
Coffee, coffee,
meal on the go
Coffee, coffee,

and breathe.

Can't wait til mid-June
when school's out
work slows down

to breathe
the sun, green grass,
blue sky, my garden,
walks around the lake..

(sigh)

life w/o cable

since adopting the iphone,
we've had to let go of our cable.

no more hgtv creations
or travel destinations

i miss most my monday night
anthony bourdain marathon
his witty remarks
but truthful reflections
about the connection of
life, food, humanity.

but all is not lost,
tpt (public television) is helping with the
cooking itch on saturday
mornings, and my nainai
is quite content with her
options of curious georce,
super why, martha speaks,
sesame street, and sid the science
kid.

the iphone's not too bad
either. :-)

try

i dare you

try
juggling work, school, family, friends,
your feelings, your thoughts, your fears,
your hopes, your dreams,
and everyone's 2 cents
about who you are, what you look like,
what you think, what you feel, what and who
you should be, and always who still is better than
you.

try
understanding the physical, mental, emotional,
psychological pain, drain, slain that comes with being
a woman in this world, then

try
feeling the anger, disbelief, disappointment, disrespect,
that feeds the fire
that burns
the silent indifference, hate, injustice, oppression, depression,
that must change.

try
speaking, shouting, stating, standing, challenging,
being, leading, feeling, seeing, acknowledging,
empowering, supporting, dreaming, validating,
wishing, acting, educating, connecting, believing
in the possibilities
of justice
peace
love
hope
and truth.

i dare you,
to not give up.